I’ve been thinking a lot this evening. I feel myself growing distant from almost everyone. A lot of it is my fault. My ‘frenemy’ pointed out that friendship goes both ways, that being social goes both ways. She just didn’t realize I didn’t try with her because I didn’t want to be her friend any longer. She took the word ‘friendship’ and twisted it into something ugly and sour. I’ve pushed a lot of family away. I guess like I feel as though I’m punishing them for not caring about me enough, or not in the way I think I should be treated. And let’s face it, most of us think more about ourselves than anyone else.
It truly hurts when someone who has been in your life for umpteen years fades slowly into the background. I’ve really worked at one particular friendship, more than any other. She’s my best friend, and I always want her to know that I’m thinking about her. I admit that I’ve screwed it up a few times. I’ve been angry over how she lets men treat her. I’ve gotten angry over how I get pushed away when she’s happy. I know that’s not always true, but it’s true enough to make it feel absolute. I have been working on it. I have been trying to let her know how I feel more often. However, it seems the more I try, the cloudier she becomes.
All I can do is make an effort. I can’t force anyone to feel what they don’t. I don’t know when I became so ugly on the inside. I want to be who I’ve always strove to be: thoughtful, helpful, and kind. Regretfully, I am bitter that I’ve lost my health. That bitterness has tainted my soul, I’m afraid. I’m also afraid that I don’t wear loneliness well, but I’ve been wearing it for some time now. I’m getting close to breaking it in.